I was writing an essay on politics, maturity, hate and escape. But I don't have a real keyboard right now and I think those issues really require one.
Instead I'll write about something simpler: my life. The thing is lately I've come to several conclusions for which the time to act has clearly arrived.
Truth is I've learned through suffering and meditation I'm not the same as my counterparts. My efforts are much less effective and even exhausting my resources I might not get even close to where they can arrive on average. Expectations need to be reshaped in that light.
I still live above my economic means to distract myself from this fact, but that's obviously not sustainable. However, I'm less and less dependent on these external signs of normality to feel good about myself, which favors mental and emotional well-being despite lower material conditions.
Sometimes I feel abandoning my current professional framework, although relieving me from people that certainly don't contribute to improving my conditions since they are incapable of tolerating my different ways of doing things, would be another cheap escape. Another childish nonacceptance move.
On the other hand I still entertain the possibility to find a better spot that will enable me more than disable. But I understand since chances are lower, that can take longer, and I might have to once again pay the economic price.
Bottom line is these people deeply and negatively affect my vital energy levels, so I start feeling bad as a response to be forced to be in their presence once again.
But I can't let myself go by standards which are not and won't ever be my own. Instead I need to be wise and cold and judge reality in the light of my real choices.
That said, I still feel breaking point approaching and the fact I still haven't found the alternative path makes me nervous about the future.
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