For quite some time I've thought I had stuff figured out. From a strictly concrete point of view, maybe I do. But there are some structures in my being which still bring old days fragility. Full insertion and inclusion, which was supposed to be my life control dashboard hasn't happen. Consciously I know this is a given. And it has mostly to do with others. My interaction with the outer world.
I'm in the best shape of my life, personally or professionally. However, there's still this fear everything can suddenly collapse, while I lose the little control over my existence I thought I had. It's fairly easy for me to understand the origins of all this. Contrary to the feelings I've been experiencing since my grandmother died, they make sense. At the same time a part of me keeps protesting, feeling ashamed for not being the man I could have been with no disability.
There's an obsession in me that seems connected to this desire to redo the past. To overcome. This isn't necessarily something bad, unless it clearly undermines the foundations I've created to be able to build myself as a person. Some signals from the environment just trigger this irrational emotional response, so strong and overwhelming that all my strength suddenly disappears, and there's just a repeating voice telling me to give up.
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