And what about love?

When you struggle for so long with something that's basically part of you, it's almost certain this will also affect the way you relate to others. So many things that are absolutely normal for the able bodied population have the annoying property of becoming intricate philosophical questions when you couple them with a disability. No wonder common facts of life such as love and sex which can be potentially screwed up for everyone will reach a whole new level of complexity when combined with disability.

Problem is human nature in us doesn't really care much. So it grants us with the very same urges, desires and emotions on one hand. On the other, the rest of mankind don't really feel we should be part of this equation. Some don't even see us as humans to begin with. The results are very often harming for the disabled individual.

Even in my newborn activist frame of mind, it would be a bit too biased from me not to acknowledge this extra difficulty can yield good fruits, although these aren't usually enough to defy our hunger. And even if this bright side is actually available to be enjoyed, it can also widen the gap between a disabled person and his/her able bodied friends or lovers.

After all, first step for a disabled person to lead a good emotional life is paradoxically to embrace own differences. This can demand a huge effort, since the more inserted the person has been in regular society, the more he/she will share the values and points of view of that dominant society. This will happen regardless of the fact doing so will split this person in half and create and nurture an enemy that will live within her/his own skin as a powerful parasite.

That explains why it can be so difficult for disabled people to reach the state of self-awareness (and why if applied with diligence, meditation can do the trick). However, once reaching this state of clarity, there will also be the matter of what to do with that new vision. Although liberating someone from the notion of being guilty for all the achievements that never came, despite of serious and constant efforts, there's also the sad part of acknowledging some of the most prosaic human dreams will possibly never come true.

Furthermore there's also the transition matter. Because when you don't get what you want despite making twice, three times as much effort as the guy sitting by your side in University makes, you tend to become a bit bitter and sauer. For that you might blame yourself, the world or both. Or you can just get confused and mentally distressed, with no clear direction in life. Plus, if the condition behind disability is medically stable and yet incurable, you don't have much hope of things getting actually better.

So embracing the mentally ill identity can be an effective mechanism for denying what's really the root cause of pain, while providing much needed company in hardship, affection, friendship and sometimes even love. But realizing who you are and where your problems concretely come from can also demolish this interim identity you've embraced for the lack of a more socially acceptable one. The consequences? If you have bonded to many people because of that, chances are these bonds also tend to be eroded or even demolished altogether.

And what about love? Well, in the hard circumstances it managed to be born and blossom at all, this internal change has also the potential to destroy what has been the common ground in life that fed love in the first place. I must say it's very tempting to utilize your own experience as an evangelization weapon and to make your loved one realize she/he is also trapped in illusions created by their own mind to protect them from a truth that can be both liberating and also highly destructive and disruptive.

I've been resisting these truths for all my life (33 years). So I guess it's fair to expect resistance in people we love will also be very hard to beat.  Then again I arrive at the same end of the road I've already found before in my quest for changing social mindset about disability. Because this is an example of exactly the same issue found when one wants to make anyone else change his/her mind about a dear and old belief. Some people will find it easy, some won't, and some won't even want to taste the change at hand. Which leaves me with the same old two options: stop already or keep pushing.

In the case of society at large, the answer is really easy for me to give once I've identified my goal. But when it comes to your love, I've got to admit it's much less straightforward and it feels a bit like life did before I've accepted to be myself. It's hard. Your muscles are swollen and your heart is pumping fast. However it may well be time for holding your horses. Because the road ahead hasn't been built yet.